look no pants
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just high enough for therapy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize
