Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
