I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize