You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
