found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
