Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize