even my farts smell like vagina
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
