I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
