so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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