Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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