I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize