I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
