just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
