everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
