I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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