i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
