Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
