Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
