then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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