I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
