FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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