I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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