Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
