This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
