How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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