you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
