You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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