I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
