Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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