guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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