So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
