i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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