I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
