if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
