just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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