I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
