my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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