I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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