and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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