today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
