ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
