Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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