Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize