he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
