...so i touched it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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