I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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