I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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