his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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