today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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