my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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