Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
