I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
