I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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