sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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