I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
