Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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