And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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